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  • Melissa Brunetti

Why Linguistics Are Important To The Adoptee S3E1

The vibe of this podcast today is kind of a throwback to my first season where I talk about living authentically, discovering yourself and how to live a life that you love. It’s that time of year where many of us make resolutions, I’m not a resolution person, but I do like to take things as they come and continually make changes that feel good to me. I don’t always succeed, but I do try to keep myself moving in a positive direction and today I just wanted to bring up a few things, some good reminders to think about, at a time when many of us are self-evaluating and if you aren’t reading to this during the new year that’s even better because there are never any coincidences and you are hearing this because you were meant to today.

 I was on social media the other day and I saw another quote that I just loved and I thought was perfect for the new year. The quote said that we should 'shed the shoulds’. And I love that idea of shedding saying I should and replacing it with 'I want to' or 'I feel like'. If you find yourself saying ‘I should’ a lot, as soon as you recognize that thought coming into your mind just stop and check in. And see if that's really something that you are wanting to do or something that you are feeling pressured to do by someone, something or some reaction that you possibly might get.

Let's embrace a new vibe that's more about what we genuinely want. Let’s be authentic. It's not necessarily just about the language we use, although how we say things to ourselves and others can definitely change your mindset which does change outcomes most times; it's about reclaiming your choices and what you genuinely want. A lot of adoptees feel that if they check in and follow what they want that they are being selfish and possibly hurtful towards someone they care about, but what about you? The Adoptee? What happens when you don’t feel right about a situation, but you do it anyway because you feel that obligation? I can only speak for myself but when I do that and compromise my authenticity in that way, I get angry. And I feel like I should be angry at that person that let me down or whatever the situation is but in actuality I need to be angry with myself because I let myself down. I knew it didn't feel right and I compromised my feelings and that knowing inside of me, and I allowed it to happen anyway and that is my fault. That is on me. And that just makes me even more mad that I let myself down. We get enough of that in the world outside of ourselves, so to let ourselves down is not a great feeling.

And I've previously talked about metaphorically writing your own story and being the author of your own story and how you can change that story at any moment in time and I've said, and I've challenged you to take your pen back if you've given that pen to someone else to write your story, but sometimes we still have that pen in our hands and we just decided to write a different story because of the reaction or the outcome that might possibly occur if we didn't write the story a certain way that someone else expected. When we take our pen back and write our story authentically, when we shed the 'shoulds'. We're freeing ourselves from this imaginary rulebook that society and our circumstances handed us. Suddenly, life becomes less about obligations and more about steering our own ship. Minding Our Own Karma. Which is how it should be. When you are authentically you and operate from that space, people reactions to how you move in the world just aren’t your problem. Let me say that one more time because adoptee, it’s important to hear, When you are authentically you and operate from that space, people reactions to how you move in the world just aren’t your problem. You aren’t personally attacking someone when you operate from an authentic space. You are doing what feels right to you, and that’s not selfish, that’s selfcare. That’s self-love.  Adoptees are so worried about not stepping on toes that we forget we have toes too! And we allow everyone to step on them! They aren’t trying to hurt us but we teach people how to treat us. If we don’t lay some boundaries down, people don’t know it’s not ok to step on you. You could come up with excuses like they should have known that would hurt me, but ultimately, it’s up to you to stop the pain.

Trust me, I am not saying that this is easy, and boy, am I right there in the thick of it with all of you. As I'm saying this, I'm saying it to myself as well because I need to hear it every once in a while. I need that reminder too that my authentic self is worth expressing to other people. I'm keeping my true self from them if I'm not being authentic to myself and that's not fair to anyone but especially to myself.

I was listening to Brené Brown on TikTok today and she said there's a lot of things that she will negotiate with but her authenticity and who she is, is not one of those things. Who she is, is nonnegotiable and it doesn’t matter what anyone says about her or thinks about her, it just doesn't matter and it shouldn’t matter to any of us. If someone loves you and is supposed to be in your life and is part of your tribe, they will adjust. They will adjust because what’s important to you should be important to them too.


So let’s make a mental note that when we catch ourselves saying, ‘I should’, that we stop and check in. Can we change how we feel by changing our phrasing? How does "I want to" or "I choose to" feel? If it does feel better, that little shift can empower us to take ownership of our decisions and how we act. Can you see how it give you your power back?  Can you feel the difference in your body when you shift ‘I should’ to ‘I choose to’? It shifts the entire focus from an external expectation that doesn’t feel good in our mind, body and spirit, to something that feels much better. It shifts the energy to our internal motivations and what we really want, allowing us to live more authentically. So, next time the urge to say "I should" creeps in, consider opting for a more liberating and powerful language or word that reflects your true self. Life's too short for unnecessary 'shoulds'; Let's keep it chill and genuine!

Ditching the constant use of 'I should' is like giving yourself a linguistic makeover that can surprisingly transform your mindset. It's like saying, "Arrivederci!" to the subtle guilt trip you didn't even sign up for.

So, I want you to get in the habit of checking in with yourself starting today, and ask yourself what ‘shoulds’ am I still operating from. What things am I still allowing in my life that no longer serve me because I'm afraid of how someone else is going to react, and just take inventory. I want you to start choosing you every day. I want you to start choosing what feels good and what feels truly authentic to you. I want you to stop acting from a reactive place and instead react from a real and genuine place.

In the journey of self-discovery, the path to fulfillment begins with the decision to prioritize your own happiness and growth. Your journey begins with self-love, and from there, you radiate the strength to shape your destiny and create a life that reflects the brilliance of your truest self. That is where happiness and a sense of coming home is. In your authentic self.

Thank you for joining me today for this episode of Mind Your Own Karma, and as always, take what you need and leave what you don’t, and always remember, to Mind Your Own Kama. I’ll see ya next time!


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