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  • Melissa Brunetti

Baby, It's Not You, It's Me

Updated: Mar 5, 2023

If you're one of those people that thinks they've been looking for love in all the wrong places... when there's a problem in the relationship, look in the mirror before you go to that other person.

Hey there, everyone. I hope you had a great week this week. I did. The weather's changing, the sun's out, I am loving it. I hope the temperature gets a little bit hotter very soon, but I will take the sunshine. Anyway, it is coming up on Valentine's Day, and February is the month of love, so I am hoping to bring some guests on that may have some alternative relationship styles to explore just a little bit about. I've put some feelers out, so we'll see what bites and what comes to the podcast, and whatever comes, it's supposed to be. So, we will see. I will be keeping you informed on that on social media, so just be looking for that. I also may interview Greg and me, and just kind of tell you how our relationship works, and why it works for us. And it's a little bit not conventional, but like I said, it works for us. So, stay tuned for all of that.

But if you're one of those people that think they've been "looking for love in all the wrong places," I always say when there's a problem in the relationship, and you've heard me say this before, the first thing you need to do is look in the mirror first before you go to that other person. Analyze yourself. It is not a very fun feeling to go to that person and find out that maybe there were some things that you needed to look at in yourself. And to help you do that, I kind of came across a list of questions to call yourself out on before you go calling out anybody else.


So, let's dive right into question number one that you should ask yourself.

Is that really how it went, or just how you want to remember it?

That's a pretty important question. And the only problem I see in that question is, I believe that two people can look at the same situation and have two totally different accounts of what happened, and that they can both be right. So, for instance, if you are looking at a car, you're both looking at the same car, but one of you is facing the car on the passenger side and one of you is facing the car on the driver's side. One of you is going to say the car is going left, and one of you is going to say the car is going right, but you're both right. You're both correct. And you're looking at the same car, so your answers aren't wrong, necessarily, it's your perspective from where you're standing. And people have different beliefs and perspectives and the way they think and do things, and so that can also play into what people think is right or wrong.

So, before you start putting the labels on what other people are thinking, think about it and ask yourself, “Is that their perspective, and is it really wrong?” So, just kind of be a sympathetic listener when you are talking over things with your other half, and just give 'em a little bit of compassion, and ask yourself, “Were they standing on the other side of the car?” So, maybe their perspective is a little bit different.

So, is it really a perspective issue, or is it a selective remembering issue? I was in a relationship with one person that would promise to do something, and then when I would ask them if they did it, they would say, “I think I did.” And it's like, “What do you mean, you think you did? Just say you didn't and ’fess up.” It's like, “Don't play that little game of, “Man, I don't remember. I think I did.” Because I'm gonna get mad, and I'm even more mad that you're lying, so I'm not stupid, so, dude, don't even try it.” So, check in with yourself. Ask yourself if the way you remember the situation is really how it went before you go to that other person.


Number two.

How are your insecurities affecting the way you are viewing the situation?

Oh, man. That could be a whole other podcast episode, couldn't it? That's opening a huge can of worms. Insecurities. This is the favorite subject everybody has, right? You really, really, really want to delve into those insecurities. It's so fun. And I know I'm laughing, but I'm actually… I think it really, really is fun because I love delving into that and just hitting it head on and confronting it and figuring it out, and seeing what the hidden agendas are, and just all kinds of stuff for myself.

Like I said, I'm always a work in progress. I want to always get better, and I just love doing that self-help analysis, but a lot of people don't. And it's a scary thing. Just kind of like the homecoming episode. There’s a lot of people that don't want to come home to themselves because it's a scary place, so insecurities are definitely in that house when you're coming home.

And so, yeah, really analyze why you're reacting or getting angry at the situation, because it could be something from your past. It could be something that has nothing to do with the person you're in the relationship with, and so, that's not fair to them that you're putting your insecurities on them and blaming them for things that they weren't even around for, that they've never even done to you. That's not fair. And that's just going to make them resentful, and probably on the defense right away when you bring that up, because nobody wants to be compared to somebody in your past, especially if it was from another relationship. You don't want to be compared to their ex.

So, that is a really good one because that will derail the whole conversation that you're having with that person right away. And you may need to go to that person and apologize and say, “I'm sorry that I put that on you. I realized that this was something that I need to deal with, and it has nothing to do with you.”

I would appreciate that if someone came to me and said that, and I would be kind to them and give them that space to use me as a sounding board to help them. Or just be that safe place where they can be vulnerable and tell you that, and you're not going to come at them with, “I told you so,” or anything like that, that you would be that safe place for that person in your life to be able to reveal that kind of thing to you.


Okay. So, let's move on to question number three.

What parts of yourself do you see in the person you're criticizing, and do you ever notice that in other people?

I think it's harder to notice to yourself, but when I see other people, a lot of times the things that irritate them in other people are the things that they do. And it's kind of funny, right? I don't quite understand the psychology of that, and that would be kind of an interesting thing to delve into. But the things that irritate people are the things that they do, and also the things that you see in the other person that are triggering you are, a lot of times, the things that you need to work on yourself.

I think we don't realize that on a subconscious level it’s there, though, and so it triggers us, and we don't even know why until you sit back and you analyze it and ask yourself that. “Is that something that I do, or that I need to look at myself, and that I need to make some adjustments?” I think a lot of times it's something that we know we need to work on, but we haven't, and so that's what irritates us is we don't want to look in the mirror and see that, and it just reminds us of us, and that we have something that we need to work on.


Moving on to number four.

Are you more concerned with being right, or evolving as a person?

You know those people that just want to be right, just want to have the last word? It's more of a power struggle for them, I think, than anything. And wow, that's a lot of insecurity coming up in those type of people to where they feel like they have to be in control of the conversation, that it really wounds them to be wrong or to have to apologize. That that makes them feel so insecure and inferior. That just shows so much about that person. There's just so much work there that has to be done. I am always wanting to evolve.

Now, that doesn't mean that it's easy to say you're wrong or apologize, even when that is your mindset, because it's not, especially if you've already gone off on that person and not self-evaluate. Because, man, I'm just… These questions are really good because I almost think that looking at these questions, and going back and maybe analyzing the situation, that could diffuse it right there. Because if everyone did that, both sides did that, I think it probably almost comes down to all these things of insecurities and past traumas and stuff that just trigger us, and it has nothing to do with the person at all. Wouldn't it be great if you see that there is some tension, or a situation that's starting to arise in the relationship, and you just say, “Time out. I'm going to go look at my eight questions, and I will come back to you in about a half an hour.” I think we should do that. I think that would help.


Okay. Number five is:

What blame have you been placing on someone else that you can take some accountability for?

Man, that one kind of goes back to the last one a little bit, because there's some people that just don't want to admit that they've done anything wrong. Oh my goodness. I had a person in my life that was so like that, and I really tried to be sympathetic and really look at myself, because I've always kind of been that way. And so, I would try and find some little piece of something that I could say, “Well, I probably could have said this different. Sorry.” And that person would just be like, “Oh, yeah. So, you did that, and then you did this, and this, and this. And don't forget that, too.” I mean, it just took me aback, and I was just like, “Wow. So, you had no part in any of this. You're not going to take any blame or look at yourself at all.”

That is just so sad to me. There's no growth there. There's nothing. I don't understand how you can go through life like that. No evolution, no self-reflecting, no being a better person. Man, I could not live like that. I just feel like I would be so miserable. And it was like, okay, I'm going to hold the first olive branch out, and hopefully break the ice in this conversation, and kind of try and make it go into a more positive direction. And they just smacked that olive branch right out of my hand and pretty much hit me with it. I can't have a conversation with a person like that.

And so, I would just end up walking away, and it just really eroded the relationship. It never recovered, and I felt like I had to cut that branch off of my tree. Like, “You're not bearing fruit for me. This is not healthy for me.” It was like a disease, and I had to cut that branch off. Although I still had to be around that branch, the relationship changed, and I just kind of tolerated it when I had to, but I didn't sugarcoat the way I felt at all. That person was well aware that I wasn't happy with them and I didn't want to be around them. I wasn't mean, but I wasn't going to be somebody that I wasn't, either. So, that's just the consequences of how they treated me. It was just sad because it affected other relationships as well, and it made it difficult for other relationships to thrive because they were such a poison that it caused a lot of other strenuous relationships, that were kind of collateral damage, you would say.

So, placing blame on somebody else is kind of an ego thing. I think it's kind of a self-preservation tactic that people use. Because maybe in the past they have felt inferior or they've been abused, and so they have to have the feeling of that control over the situation. And sometimes when those people are in the depths of that, there's no talking them down. It’s very difficult to have a civil conversation that is fruitful. So, until that person's ready to change, sometimes you just have to walk away for a little bit and just hope that at some point they're going to self reflect and maybe make some positive changes.


Okay. On to number six.

What hard conversation have you been avoiding with yourself?

That is another fun one, isn't it? Man. I think a lot of times we like to stay in the ignorance is bliss category, and pretend like we don't notice these things about us, or we just kind of say, “Well, that's who I am. I get angry easy, so deal with it. That's just who I am.” And you can't be like… That's not fair. You can't be like that. You can't just be like, “Well, take it or leave it. That's the way I am.” I mean, that's not fair to the person that you're in the relationship with. It might be true, but come on, self-reflect a little bit, grow a little bit. There might be some growing pains, but you'll be okay. Why do we get so set in our ways that we don't want to grow? I know it can be uncomfortable. And I've said in the past, and I've been like this, I don't like change. I didn't like change.

I shouldn't say I don't like change, because now I embrace it. I never thought I would, but I do. And so, the spontaneity of things are what are so fun. Those are the little special things that come along that you did not plan, the spontaneous stuff. That's where the magic is. That's where the fun is, when something happens. And it happens to me all the time. And it really, talk about having something to write in your diary. Those are the things that you would write in your diary as a kid. Like, “This happened to me today. That was so cool. I didn't expect it.” Whatever. And that's been my life lately, all these little things that I'm even still limiting myself. I really need to open up and accept more into my life like that, because those are the things that make life fun, but you have to let go of the control. And for a lot of people, that causes anxiety, and it causes some triggers, because when they would let go in the past, they got hurt.

And so, here comes that ego to protect you, and thanks a lot ego, but dang, you're stealing my joy. You're stealing my fun. Like, go away for a while. I don't need you. I'm okay. If I get hurt, I'm going to learn from it and I'll be fine. So, live a little, take some chances, go have some fun and some spontaneity in life. What's the thing everybody says? Eat the cake, buy the shoes, just do it. Just do it. Have the hard conversations with yourself. Grow, evolve, live, be kind, be better. That's what we're here for.


Okay. Number seven is:

What is your most toxic trait you can admit to?

Dang. These are tough. I didn't even look at these ahead of time, so I'm looking at them just as I'm saying them to you. What is your most toxic trait you can admit to? I am at literally getting the chills right now and I don't know why. I don’t know. I'm really going to have to think about that. Do I have any toxic traits? No, I'm just kidding. Of course I do, but dang. I'm sure if Greg was here, he could list off a few for me. Dang. I really, really want to be authentic right now, and I feel bad that I can't think of anything. I'm just so in tune with working on myself right now, that if something came up, I would hope that I would identify it and try and make that better. Dang. I don't know. I guess one thing I can think of is, I try and keep my emotions in check, I guess you would say. I'm not an emotional person romantically. Even when I'm mad, usually I'm not. It's very far and few between. And I know that a lot of times, Greg would like me to be a little more open in that way, I think.

And I'm just thinking about that because it's the February Valentine's Day thing, but I'm not an emotional person. I don't cry often. I just don't have those swings. I think I'm just very kind of matter-of-fact and to the point, maybe. I don't know. Like I said, if he was here, he could probably say it better than me. He can say most things better than me. He has a way with words, way better than I do, but that's what I come up with right now. And so, now that I've said it, I don't know, is that something I have to work on? I guess, because if my partner thinks that's a need that they need from me, then that is something I need to work on. So, maybe that's my answer.

So, what's your answer? Because I don't want to be the only one to have to be admitting things, so please DM me and tell me your answers to all these questions. That would be great. So, yeah, I think that's a really hard thing to do to admit, even to yourself, let alone everyone or anyone else, what your most toxic trait is. And that you have to be super vulnerable to the other person to admit that, and I just admitted that to everybody. So, now I'm accountable.

And see, this is what happens to me when I do these podcasts. Because earlier in this podcast, in another podcast, I'm always saying, “I'm working on myself. I'm working on myself.” And then something like this comes up and just smacks me upside the head. Because every time I do a subject, it comes back around, and it's almost like, “Oh, you think you know about it? Well, BAM, here's something else you need to learn.” Which is great. I love it. I love it. And I'm just glad that I'm willing to look at myself and make those changes, so I'm proud of myself. So, get on the train with me, people. Get on the self-love and self-evolution train. Let's go.


Okay, last question. I'm afraid to read it. It is… Oh, here we go with the ego.

Is your ego getting in the way of your healing?

I think that is the key to it all. To be honest, the ego's job is to protect you, and it doesn't like change, and it doesn't like you to grow, because it can hurt. And that's the ego's job is to protect you from hurting. But then, there's no growth there, and you just become stagnant. And what happens when water becomes stagnant? It becomes poisonous.

And really, that's kind of what happens is you get stagnant, and you get depressed, and just, “What are we doing here?” You know, “Life sucks.” I don't want to be like that. So, yes, I think the ego does get in the way of your healing in so many different ways. So many different ways. We could be here all day talking about the ego.

The ego is like your protective big brother that comes in and tries to protect you from people and things and situations that you're going to grow from growing up. And we say, “Oh, somebody's got a big ego.” It was kind of a tough guy thing. But really, it's somebody that's probably been hurt a lot and is hiding behind their ego. They probably have a lot to uncover and they're scared, so they just hide behind that ego, and everyone's afraid to approach them. They probably don't have a lot of close relationships because close relationships hurt. And if you're actually going to have a successful relationship, you do have to look at yourself a lot and evolve. Otherwise, it's just going to become stagnant and go nowhere.


Okay. I'm kind of exhausted after looking at those questions. I honestly didn't know it was going get that deep and crazy, but they were really good. They were really, really good. So, I am going to type up those questions so that you can print them out and have them, because I really think they were good. And even if you're not in a relationship, those things were really good self-reflection questions. If you're interested in having your own list of questions in a printable format, just email me at

Well, I hope you all have a good week. I think maybe I will interview Greg with those questions, and see what he comes up with on the fly. It would be very interesting, at least for me. We'll see. And I will check up on future guests for this month. I'm hoping to get some interesting subjects and maybe educate all of us, even me, on a couple of those subjects. So, wrapping up here. As always, take what you need and leave what you don't, and always remember to mind your own karma. We'll see you next time.

Season 1, Episode 7


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